First off let me say, I love Care2.  It is a wonderful Web site.  They take the time to selflessly care about our environment, the wildlife of this world, and the people on the planet.  They seem to have a grasp of what it takes get a planet clean and healthy for all of its inhabitants.

Having said that, I would really like to know what is up with this feature about Feng Shui gardening.  Now, I understand the principle of Feng Shui.  I can’t say it, but I get it.  It is supposed to bring my environment into harmony with my soul and make me move along life’s path with little stress and with the tide of community consciousness.  As the article says, “the energies of the earth and cosmos and the cycles of living things run their natural course. A yard, therefore, is an unnatural environment. The essence of a Feng Shui garden is that it should follow the natural way as far as possible by respecting the landscape and the spirit of the place.”

That sounds so nice.  That sounds so peaceful.  I picture myself out there in the yard, wide brim sun hat perched on my head (got to avoid those nasty UV rays) and swaying softly in the breeze, moving to the rhythmn of my elm tree.  I can hear the leaves rustling as I close my eyes and become one with my yard, and therefore, one with the planet the roots sink deep into.   I can feel the soft blades of wild grass (the ones I so carefully planted and tended so they would be totally natural) brushing against my legs, tanned gently by the golden rays of the sun (that I am trying desperately to keep off of my face).  I feel the breeze and hear the contented sounds of nature.  I have found peace in my yard.  Nirvana has been discovered through my Feng Shi gardening.

Then it is an abrupt yank into reality.  Why is their a teenager yelling at me about mowing the lawn?  She is having a fit.  Doesn’t she want to experience the softness of the lush grass under her feet?  No, those things are not blades of grass.  They are dandelions. 

She is very upset about this gasoline powered machine I spent nearly $200 on (at Walmart - on sale - off season) to chop these obnoxious dandelions away gently shear these tender shoots of natural grass into a Feng Shui style.  (I am spending more on my lawn’s style than my own hair style!)  It isn’t because of the gasoline powered engine or motor or whatever makes the thing work and the fact we are polluting our own little piece of the planet - she simply doesn’t want to do it.  She would much rather talk on the phone or chat on the Internet than mow the blasted lawn!  er, the peaceful paradise I have so carefully created.

Meanwhile my sun hat has blown off my head and my hair is a mess.  I am starting to look a bit like a redheaded Phyllis Diller out in the lawn with hair blowing all over, screaming at a teenager who is too far (and making no effort to get nearer) to hear me that she better mow the damn lawn or else…  And while you are at it, would you please get that weed and feed into the thingie and get it on these stupid dandelions! 

Perhaps tomorrow I’ll become more aware.  I’ll truly be aware of the Chi in my yard.  I’ve given up on a garden.  The last effot I made was shoving some plastic flowers in a pot and setting it on the porch.  Good enough.  So what if they look exactly the same day after day after day.  They are color, they resemble a flower (sort of) and they don’t need weed and feed.

Perhaps tomorrow I’ll find the true entrance to my garden (isn’t that the place you trip over the dog leash?) and then I can follow the Bagua Positions and place everything where it should be for optimum enhancement of my Chi.  In the meantime, will someone PLEASE mow the dandelions?

A Guide to the Feng Shui Garden

Adelle Tilton

There is something terribly wrong with this story. No one 63 should do this. (In my humble opinion, of course.) But I don’t get it and when I saw the headline, I almost choked on my coffee. “Psychologist To Be Mother At 63.” Psychologist? Hasn’t it occurred to her that maybe there is a reason she should explore just a teeny bit for her need to have a child when she is two years from Medicare?

The physician who is “in charge” (and I say that loosely because I don’t think anyone is in charge here) says that the woman’s biological age is 45, so it isn’t an issue. Excuse me, but I had two children in my thirties (35 and 36 to be precise) and she has got to be nuts.  45 is too old for this!!  (I should have sent her clover.) The physician said, “She came here with her husband, the couple love each other, she is very slim, blonde and in perfect condition, she fits all the criteria for maternity.”

Those are the four items that qualify a person for motherhood: Good marriage, slim, blonde and in good shape. I’m glad I know that now. I can be at peace because I finally understand. NOT! I can see the good marriage part, I can see the good shape part, I can even see the slim part, but blonde? What the heck does being a blonde have to do with being a good mother?

And just for the record, if she is 62 (her current age), she isn’t really blonde! Not a chance. That blonde is out of a bottle. Therefore she is exposed to harsh chemicals - so Strike One.

And if she is claiming to be blonde, she is lying. That would imply a character of less than “stellar” ethics. Strike Two.

She is also on her second marriage - which is of course is no strike against her. I have been married more than once. And we don’t need to discuss that. Some things take time to perfect! But she has two other kids, and they aren’t kids! They are 26 and 22; I bet they are so excited at the prospect of their new baby brother or sister. They had no comment. I’m betting they are at a local pub getting hammered, trying to forget that at Mother’s Day the press got a nice firm grip on this story.

The couple has said, “We wish to emphasize that this has not been an endeavor undertaken lightly or without courage. A great deal of thought has been given to planning and providing for the child’s present and future wellbeing, medically, socially and materially.”  I’ll bet it was a joint statement - they must have rehearsed those lines a lot so they could recite them in unison.

It doesn’t matter how much they want this child. What matters is that in 18 years, even if the parents are still going strong, there is going to be a kid graduating high school with parents that are in their 80’s.

There is an upswing though. They don’t have to worry about being stuck with babysitting the grandkids. Strike Three.

Psychologist To Be Mother At 63

More Older Women Having Babies, UK

Some people have far too much free time on their hands.  Researchers have discovered that female guppies (you know - the fish?) will do just about anything they can to avoid sexual attention (when they don’t want it) from interested male guppies. 

Now these male guppies will go out of their way to get a lady’s attention.  They have all the bright colors and they flash their fins - in short, they act no different than human males.  But a female guppy views that much the way a human female views it.  “Shove off Buster,” and the battle begins.  For us, it ends up in a court room with charges of sexual harrassment.  For the guppies, they retreat to waters infested with predators. 

Evidently it is better to be eaten alive than deal with a man. Darren Croft, of the University of Wales, (by the way, he isn’t just a guy with free time - he is being paid for this!) said, “Male guppies spend most of their time displaying to females. But if their courtship displays don’t impress the females, males will attempt to sneak mating with them when they aren’t looking.”  Now that is low.  Really, really low.

Have these gals considered getting a bodyguard?  I mean if they are hiding in the rough neighborhoods of the ocean, aren’t they making at least some contact with unsavory characters?  Perhaps a lobster or a bigger fish that eats guppies would make a suitable “watchdog.”  She would have to pay him well or he might turn on her, and that could end up back at the sexual harrassment problem.  Possibly an inadequate solution.

Perhaps an option would be to turn tail and appear to run, and slap that male guppy silly with a tail fin.  If a few of those girls could get together and join forces, they could really pummel one of those guys.  They are so arrogant about their fins and tails, that I’m betting they would run at the first sign of cosmetic destruction. 

Another idea would be to let the word out that once the baby guppies hatch, the female guppies (now unionized) are going back to work.  Flashy dad can stay home and take care of the several thousand children.  Let’s see how much he likes it then!  Ramifications!  It is all about accountability.  If these guppies knew that they would be tied down for however long guppies are tied down for, and no flashy tails allowed today sir, they might mind their manners.

It just might be worth a try.

Female Guppies Risk Their Lives to Avoid Too Much Male Attention

(Yes I know the fish in the photograph are not guppies, but it’s a better picture than the guppy one!)

Adelle Tilton

Hair color is a huge issue for women.  When you are in your 20’s, it is a matter of choice.  If you are brunette, you want to be blonde.  If you are blonde, you want to be a redhead.  If you are a redhead… well, that’s different.  We redheads never want to change our hair color.  We gripe about curls or lack of them, and that’s another topic.  When you get into your 30’s, color begins to dim a wee bit.  It still isn’t a huge problem but then the 40’s arrive.  Decisions are looming on the horizons. 

At 50?  Hair is an issue.  It is probably turning grey.  It may be a lot grey.  You could be really lucky and like me, turn silver and grey, and have not one hair of your original color before you turn 50.  Now the dilemma begins.

Do we keep the silver or grey and do the dignified woman thing?  I tried that.  I kept my hair, which was 75% bright shining silver and 25% grey.  I had a really snazzy style cut - a real precision cut.  I did the sophisticated woman thing.  I oozed class.  I looked like money.  I looked in the mirror and screamed.

Who the heck is that looking back at me?  Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty?) didn’t have silver hair.  She obviously went with L’Oreal Black.  Either that or india ink.  Either way, part of her feeling she might win this whole competition with Aurora was based on looks, and silver hair was not part of the picture.  And the same with Corella De’Ville - of course she did have that one streak of white, which was obviously induced by an extreme shock (probably brought on by her eccentric behaviors and was her own fault anyway), but she seemed to have an attitude that the majority of her hair not being silver kept her in the game.  I don’t even want to think of Ariel (The Little Mermaid) as growing up and being anything but a redhead.

So who was this stranger looking back at me in the mirror? 

I tried blonde.  It went well over the silver and as far as the hair went, it was quite lovely.  I couldn’t quite jive the blonde with who I was though.  I just wasn’t able to pull off the whole “California Girl” thing - besides the Beach Boys are drawing retirement now and it was ludicrous.  So how about a light brown?  (Don’t ask me why I didn’t return to my own red initially - I don’t know.)  That worked pretty well.  But geez, how boring could it get?  I looked less tired, more youthful, and totally disinterested in anything that had to do with dynamic living.

I guess I had to find myself.  And this job was going to take a professional.  Coloring it back to red, over silver and grey, is not the easiest thing to do.  Brassy is a word that comes to mind.  I tried.  I failed.  So the professional it was - and now it is pretty darn close to what it was before this silver invaded my head… it apparently invaded my brain as well.  I should have just listened to my mother and started fixing it before it became a major overhaul and my hair became a test laboratory for a variety of hair colors.  I guess I should be thankful it didn’t turn out green or something.

Yes, it’s a pain.  I have to do it regularly or these nasty little roots start showing up.  They are, I notice, getting more and more silver.  But it is a worthwhile inconvenience.  When I look in the mirror, now I know who is looking back.

Adelle Tilton